Someone Owes Me a Calamity or an Explanation

Has anyone heard that, maybe there's no such thing as man-made climate change?

And I'm not talking about "Global Warming". That old name was abandoned a while ago in favor of something much more inclusive. Something that allows us to be blamed for not only the heat but for the cold as well. Now we are at fault if it rains too much, and if it doesn't rain enough.

Except that maybe we're not.

This issue is something I've been thinking about for a long time, but what finally prompted me to interrupt our riveting blog posting with a public service announcement, was the news a while ago of "Climategate".

For anyone who may not have heard - and if you haven't, that in itself may be cause for alarm - this all originated when some unidentified whistle-blower inside the Climate Research Unit in Norwich, England released over a thousand personal emails and pages of computer source code to the Internet. These emails, who's authenticity has not been contested, are correspondence between a number of prominent climate change scientists discussing amongst themselves, and their American counterparts, how to hide findings that didn’t support their claim that the earth is warming. They shared how to perform statistical tricks to manipulate the data, and plotted to discredit other scientists and journals that opposed their views.

And since then, Phil Jones, the director of the unit has admitted in an interview that there has been no statistical increase in the Earth’s temperature in the past 15 years.

What?

These are the same guys who gave us the famous “hockey stick graph” that shows an exponential, runaway train of planet-killing heating. And now they are saying that there has been no statistical increase in the past 15 years?

That's not the only thing that has come unraveled. The UN's Inter-governmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) (one of the largest bodies of international scientists ever assembled) reported that the glaciers in the Himalayas would disappear within 25 years. It turns out that what they meant to say was that the glaciers would be gone in just 340 short years. They claim that in writing the report they mixed up the year “2035” for the correct date of “2350”. Unfortunately, not one of the authors thought, “uh, that doesn’t sound right”. I'm not a scientist but that seems like kind of a big difference, doesn't it? It's baisically mistaking: "this is a disaster that my great grandchildren's great grandchildren will reap", with, "this will happen to me before I pay off my mortgage". How do you mix those up?

I'm sorry, but that excuse ranks up there with Jackson and Timberlake trying to tell me that it was a "wardrobe malfunction". Giving such a ridiculous excuse is almost more offensive than the act they're trying to excuse, because it communicates so eloquently: "we think you are literally stupid enough to believe this."

Perhaps there should have been cause for alarm when Al Gore won the Nobel Prize, instead of a nun who's only accomplishment was saving the lives of thousands of innocent children from Nazi-occupied Poland.

Now of course there are still thousands of scientists who haven't been tarnished by this scandal who believe that made-made climate change is still very real. But it needs to be remembered that there are also thousands of scientists who believe the opposite. With something as complex as the entire planet's weather, I would actually expect that there wasn't an easy answer. But supporters of the climate change THEORY have actually said things like, "the science is settled" and "the debate is closed". That should probably be cause for alarm because saying that any issue is closed for debate or study, is a perfect example of the antithesis of science and scientific method.

Climategate is being called the greatest hoax in our history and the fact that it isn't getting much attention in North American media should probably be cause for alarm.

I need to pause this rant and explain that I am not supporting or condoning any of the horrible things that we as people are doing to the environment every day. In our family we do whatever we can; we compost, we recycle, our neighbors sometimes try to put their garbage in front of our house because as a family of six we still produce less than one bag of trash each week. We used a compact car even when we were a family of five although the commercials told us we needed an SUV.

Like everyone else, I'm concerned about the environment, particularly the tons and tons of plastic that has been accumulating since the 1960's and is even finding its way to our coral reefs. The other day I found some girly exfoliating body scrub product in our shower. All of those little scratchy bumps that make you feel like you are getting cleaner? They're actually tiny pieces of plastic - and this in a product who's only function is to get washed down the drain! Where the freak was David Suzuki when I was having my shower? This stuff is not a natural substance, it is not beneficial to any lifeforms, and it doesn't break down into anything other than smaller pieces of plastic - meaning that almost every single pound of plastic produced in the past 50 years is still somewhere in the environment. (this would be a good place to talk about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and other Oceanic Gyres but this post is going to be plenty preachy as is)

If anything, this whole gong show (first time I've used that term in our blog, I think) has only harmed the environment. Labeling CO2, a trace gas necessary for all life on Earth, as a pollutant has distracted the focus from "real-life"-pollution. Sometimes the best intentions can be so misguided, they are actually destructive. Like hybrid vehicles with little green leaves on the bumpers but 100lb batteries in the trunks, and life-of-vehicle energy costs that are actually higher than their non-hybrid equivalents. Or the recent proposal in the EU to reclassify oil palm plantations as "forests". This means that biofuel production (with all its feel-good marketing) could legally and 'legitimately' replace "real-life"-forests (watch for the little green leaf at the pump).

The thing that really gets me though is how government, who has been courageously struggling to get by on just half of everything I make, is considering becoming even more involved in my life and is working at inventing further ways to tax me. Corporations aren't actually taxed, they just collect them - the cost of their taxes is passed on to the consumer in the price of their goods and services. Some estimates place the cost of these "embeded taxes" as high as 1/3 of the price of everything we buy. (OK, that was a major tangent)

What I meant to say about government is this: the "pollutant" that they've appointed themselves to regulate, happens to be what my children exhale each time they take a breath.


And that... has me alarmed.


- C

Abusing Time Travel

In one of my old journals I found an entry where I had provided the precise time and place I was writing from, and invited my future self to travel back in time and visit me there. The fact that I stood myself up for that appointment proved beyond any doubt in my mind that time travel was never perfected in my lifetime. And now that I’m older, I’m convinced that time travel won’t be happening for anyone (on the contrary, it seems that even ‘air travel’ is becoming less possible than it once was).

Despite this conviction, there are times when even a rational mind can break down in a pleading hope for any technology capable of turning back the clock. This has happened to me twice.

The first time was a situation at work when a badguy committed a break and enter just one block away from an address where I was positioned, waiting to catch him in the act. I had trouble sleeping for a while and kept replaying the whole thing in my mind, thinking, “there has to be a way I could go back and do it over.” I felt a general resentment towards the scientific community for ‘just not trying hard enough’.

The second time that I temporarily believed in and yearned for time travel, it was much worse. I would have given anything for the chance to go back and tell dad all of the things that I should have told him when he was alive. And while the regret has faded a little over the years, if I ever found myself in a time machine with only enough gas, or flux, or whatever, for a single trip, that would still be the coordinates I entered.

But on the other hand…

If I had access to a time machine that didn’t require massive amounts of money or lightning to operate, I could see myself totally running it into the ground. Worse than our Civic, which has worn out two timing chains so far, this thing would have so many miles (years) on it, that the odometer (chronometer?) would max out and roll over again to zero.

[Aside: Everyone knows that it’s important to witness an odometer changing to a momentous number. Once, I almost got into an accident while following my buddy Trevor down a twisty mountain pass in BC because I didn’t want to take my eyes from my motorcycle’s “clock”, for fear that I would miss seeing the numbers roll over to “1-4-0-0-0” (miles). Just imagine how momentous AND IRONIC it would be to see a time machine’s odometer go back to zero.]

I came across this video recently and it shows just the sort of temptation I would cave to.



Now I don’t want to give the impression that Tyson is now too grown up, or not cute anymore, or that he's not a sweet boy (although all he needs to do is start setting fires and he will have exhibited the full “triad of psychopathy”). But he has grown up a little bit, and I feel like it’s happened way too quickly. If I could, I would spend whole days in moments like that one.

Which brings me to the close of this post and the moral of the story. If we were constantly travelling back to all those past moments, we would certainly miss out on all the priceless things that are happening right now. In the end, that’s probably the very reason why the gift of time travel has not been given to us.

Well, that and the risk of causing rifts in the Space-Time Continuum. Seriously, what is that thing made of anyways? Cheesecloth?



- C

Breached

 

Yegg: Safecracker who can only open cheap and easy safes.                         - gangster slang

 

First off, I recommend Ability Lock and Safe to anyone.  As soon as the guy saw the photos of the safe, he wrote back to tell me that while they could open it for $175, it probably wasn’t even worth that much.  He also informed me that this particular safe was only fireproof, not robberproof.  This information proved to be a pivotal clue on what I should use to open the safe: something that wasn’t fire.

In the end, all it took was a pry bar, two claw hammers, and a puffed wheat square. 

So what was in this time capsule that my past self handed to my present self across 15 years?  Unfortunately, not much.  There was a collection of comic books, my Trek hat, some ammunition, two letters, a throwing knife, and a couple disks (no idea what’s on those… or even how I’d go about reading a five-and-a-quarter in this day and age).  It also appears that back then I may have been building a bomb (due to the possible evidentiary value, there are no photos of that).

So the safe itself was worthless, but what about the stuff inside?  It’s not looking good if my first-edition ‘Punisher 2099’ is any indication.  Its 1993 cover price is marked “$1.75US”…

 

 

And I just found one on eBay for $1.50. 

- C

Can Opening, Continued

 

 

I spoke to a representative of Coffre-Fort in Quebec and they told me that they do not keep any records on the combinations of their safes (and even if they did, there’s no way I could prove ownership because I got it from dad and he, no doubt, got it through wheelin’ and dealin’).  A little while later, the guy called back with the name of a shop in my area that he recommended would be best equipped to handle the job.

 

I telephoned Ability Lock and Safe Ltd and explained my situation to the expert: I own a treasureless safe that I want to open, but it wouldn’t be worth it if the expense was close to the cost of a new safe.  He allowed me to email him some pictures, and will get back with an estimate on what it will take (I thought he could just look at the pictures here on the blog, but apparently he’s not a member of our readership) .

 

This process would be a lot more exciting if there was a chance the safe contained, if not treasure, at least a mystery of some sort.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure all it contains is some comic books and the hat I wore during my Stake’s Trek…

 

- C

Safecracking

Because CHEMTD is moving to a new corporate office in April, we have been slowly de-junking and eliminating anything we don't need. As was bound to happen, my attention turned to this Coffre Fort National safe which I used in junior high but eventually forgot the combination of. Faced with the prospect of having to lug it to yet another address, I have decided that I am going to open this sucker up, once and for all.

I have been talking to a few companies about "the job" and have been told that the options for getting into a safe like this are either:

- Contact the maker and, after proving ownership, obtain the combination originally registered to this serial number.

- Grind the door off and then repair it once the combination has been reset.

- Drill a hole near the dial and use a 'scope to read the combination from the inside.

- Put an 'auto-dialer' machine on it for three days and let it cycle through all of the possible combinations (no gaurantee that this method would work though).

They charge a flat fee for the attempt and an additional hourly charge for the time required to get in, and the cost to repair it afterwards (estimated to require 6-8 hours).

(And yes, I am just as surprised as you are that dynamite is not the common method)

Normally, I would happily pay these charges because you are pretty much guaranteed that a safe like this will contain either, a) treasure or, b) a map to treasure. This situation is different though because I happen to be the person who last closed the door back in the 1990s, and I am fairly certain I didn't have any treasure then.

Kendall and I once tried to open the safe, but our efforts only resulted in the removal of the top hinge pin (before we realized that the hinges themselves would still prevent the door from opening). This time is different though; I am either going to get in and reset the combination so we can start using the safe, or I am going to drop off its twisted, smoldering remains at the local dump. What I am not going to do, is move the 'world's heaviest coffee table' to our new house.

Stay tuned,


- C

Dudeguy Turns 7

Yesterday we celebrated Mason’s birthday with Abby and Sam and their family, and Chaim and Oscar and their mom.  He was spoiled by everyone, including KJAMBD who sent a present up with Tan and John – even though they really shouldn’t have. 

I find though that there‘s something about Mason that makes me want to spoil him.  He is so well behaved and so obedient.  I just asked Heather if she could think of a time when he had done something that we had told him not to… and neither of us could come up with an example.  We have lots of examples for his siblings.

I sometimes wonder if I should encourage him to break the rules more so he can be a little wild and so he doesn’t get totally left behind by his peers.  The other night at an Olympic event-themed activity, he continued to follow the leader’s instructions to slide the “curling stone” even though it obviously wasn’t possible on the floor.  A little girl, who was lobbing her stone like the other kids, told him he was “lame”.

Mason is also very sweet and empathetic.  Recently I gave Tyson the choice of either a long stick of celery or one half the size.  I thought that if he chose himself he would eat it better.  I threatened to let Mason pick first, thinking that the possibility of getting the long piece would speed up his decision.  Tyson still would not choose so I turned it over to Mason, now Tyson would learn his lesson.  Nope, Heather and I rolled our eyes at each other as Mason chose the long piece so Tyson wouldn’t have to eat it (even though he dislikes celery just as much). 

I think some of the tenderness I feel for Mason may also be due to the fact that he has always been a little small for his size and has needed some extra attention because of his asthma.  There were a few times that we made middle of the night trips to the emergency room and listening to him cough and wheeze was horrible.  Being in the Children’s Hospital with him for two days while he was hooked up to an oxygen mask and monitors was an experience that hasn’t left me yet.

(Here he is doing the “Dude Salute” when he was little.  For some reason he would often raise one arm in the air and revel in its awesomeness.)

Mostly though, I love Mason because he is my best little buddy and I know that no matter how old either of us get, I’ll always be able to count on him.

 

- C

 

 

(For his birthday cake, Heather made chocolate cake in mugs and then topped them with ice cream and whip cream.  We are all pretty spoiled.)

Souper Supper

I know Chad just posted this morning, but I have to post about the supper we just had. As you know from Chad's post, we walked up to the library the other day and we all checked out some books and sat reading. I had picked out a book, but just before I sat down I noticed a magazine called FamilyFun. I picked up a few issues to peek through and wound up checking all of them out. They had some really neat ideas. Anyways, this soup recipe is from there and it was so fun to eat. If anyone tries it, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Here's a link

The library is so awesome! I love finding new recipes and fun ideas and can't wait to make a fun cake from there for Mason's birthday this weekend. I'll post about it if it turns out!

- H

Checking in

We have been offline for a while, about a month in fact. There has undoubtedly been a lot of speculation as to what could possibly have caused this communications juggernaut to grind to a halt; but the truth is, it all came down to just 24 inches of USB cable.

[This isn't a new paragraph. I just liked the way that last sentence ended and wanted to pause on it]
Without that cable, we had 150 fair-to-prettygood photographs trapped inside our camera with no way of getting to our computer (and from there to the world).

[New paragraph]
I got a big surprise when the cable arrived this afternoon. Not only did it work, it downloaded the photos in a fraction of the time it normally takes. I've surmised that it must be "USB 2.0" while my previous cable was just "USB 1.lame" - that's the thing with being outdated, you don't really know you are, until a stranger in Hong Kong decides to mail you a padded envelope containing the new technology.

Now it may be pointed out that not having access to those photos really didn't prevent us from posting. And that's true to some extent. But the thing is, our approach is more to come up with a photo and then write something that works that photo into a story. This is in contrast with the approach that some people take of writing about things that are interesting and relevant and using pictures just to support the writing.




Which reminds me of Cringer. Cats are so fraught with personality quirks, that you are basically rolling the dice when you get one. For the most part though, Cringer has been a gamble that has really paid off. He is very gentle and patient with the kids. The only time he gets a little rowdy is at bedtime (for some reason). The kids recognize this evening transformation and refer to him during that period as "Battle Cat" instead. Aside from that, Cringer is a cuddly little guy who likes to be held and endures hair cuts and baths without any fuss.

Cringer's only odd trait is that he insists on always sitting in Deacon's spots (ie, his chair, his car seat, his stroller, or his blanket). This is either because 1) Deacon's spots are the most comfortable spots in the house, or 2) Cringer can sense that we are going to nourish and take care of Deacon and love him forever, and maybe someday put him through college, and Cringer hopes that by mimicking Deacon he might secure a similar fate. In truth, Cringer is going to have to come up with tuition on his own, but he still gets treated pretty well. For example, along with his cat food, he also gets home-made dinners of mixed turkey, rice, celery, and carrots. We also made the financial investment of taking him to the vet and having him spade.

[I know that the correct spelling is "spayed". I also realize that because Cringer is male, the correct term would have been "neutered", but on my read-over, I noticed that I used the words "dice" and "gamble" and I really wanted to get one more reference in there]




Here is a picture of our new activity. Take a long walk to the library, pick out a bunch of books, and then hang out on the couches like we are in a Chapters. It is good exercise and a library membership has to be one of the best value-for-money deals in the history of modern civilization.

The balloons are not normally part of the tradition. On our first trip I noticed that the dollar store had a helium bottle and thought it would make the walk more fun. As a side-effect it also made the pictures more interesting. (Further to that, I think that a balloon floating over the head of a child reading a book is a powerful image that would make a good statement about "dreams" or "potential" or something. If I was responsible for the library's advertising campaign I would use a picture like that with the headline, "Bayport Public Library: Maximizing and Posibilitizing Children Since 1977").

One thing that our family is working on this year is being more healthy. I don't mean the kind of healthy where you have to eat less and run on a treadmill (blech). I signed up for a class through work and it focussed more on eating whole foods and fewer processed foods. They advised against eating anything with "light" in the description because it basically means that all of the good stuff that your body needs has been removed and replaced with things like artificial sweeteners. If you are cooking, use butter instead of margarine or cooking spray, or use bacon fat - because your body recognizes bacon fat and needs it for lots of things. That's my kind of health course!

They talked about how the average person only chews their food four times before swallowing, when the real number should be closer to twenty or more. I came in the front door after the first day and announced to everyone that, "daddy was wrong, Mason was right" (Mason is our slowest eater). Now we set our forks down between bites and visit more during a meal. Predictably, drinking lots of water was something they stressed, but now we are drinking only sparingly with our meals. Apparently too much water can hamper the digestive process so now we drink a half hour before we eat and then two hours after.

The final change we have made is sleeping in 100% darkness. I thought there would be more opposition to me switching off the hallowed Hall Light, but the kids took to the change without any trouble. Apparently even a small amount of light can disrupt the body's cycle of sleep-time melatonin production, also disrupting the healing and growth process and maybe even increasing the risk of cancer. Google "malatonin and light" to see what you think - the point that really got me is when the presenter proposed that the reason we wake up feeling so awesome when we're camping isn't solely due to the fresh air, but is also due to the fact that we go to bed when the sun goes down, sleep in total darkness, and wake up when the sun comes up. I even cover the light from our alarm clock and we have been sleeping great the last few nights.

I hope the last few paragraphs don't sound too preachy or weird (actually after all these years, I'm fairly comfortable with being preachy), but because our family and closest friends are the only ones who actually read this blog, I want to share with you anything that has the potential of making us happier. I guess I am a lot like Lehi in that respect.


[This is another pause-for-effect. But I am like Lehi... specifically the, Nephi-just-broke-his-bow version of Lehi.]




- C